When Life Hits Hard: What Does Normal Mean After Loss?

With a Subtitle: What if the feeling of normal isn't normal anymore?

A brief Excerpt: After losing three loved ones in a matter of days, one believer wrestles with grief, the shadow of death, and the question of what 'normal' really means.

The Author is: Rina Schultz

Editor’s note – We do not often run a piece written this close to the wound. The author lost three loved ones in a matter of days while still carrying years of caregiving, and she does not tie it up neatly. We share it because grief honestly named is something the Church too often rushes past, and because believers wrestling with the meaning of “normal” after loss deserve a companion in the questioning rather than a quick answer.

Lately, I’ve been questioning many things. Maybe death does that. Maybe I’m questioning the meaning of things because of the finality death brings.

The last three years since my husband’s stroke had been difficult. The last two months have been excruciatingly painful. I’ve had enough of death.

New Year

A new year is supposed to be exciting, hopeful, joyful, and a little mysterious. Mine hit with the force of a sledgehammer. I wasn’t prepared for the loss of three relatives in the space of a few days. My brother’s death hit hard, followed by my cousin the following day, and by the time our daughter died a week after my brother’s cremation, I was feeling numb. January and February have been marked by deaths and funerals.

This morning, preparing to go to work, I found myself thinking that after the losses and grief at the start of the year, my life should return to normal. Normal. Just one word. It stopped me short. What does it mean?

What if normal isn’t normal anymore? What do I expect when I think about normal? I haven’t thought about it before.

Death

There is nothing more normal than death. That’s how life on this earth ends. It’s a journey all of us will undertake sooner or later. Grieving over loss and the death of a loved one is normal. Everything I’ve experienced is normal. It’s as much a part of life as living and breathing. Why, then, does it feel as if my life had been turned upside down? Why doesn’t it feel normal?

I’ve come to realize that we live in the shadow of death constantly, but we prefer not to be aware of it. It’s only when we lose someone, and when our foundations have been shaken, forcing us to look death in the face and acknowledge our own finite existence, that we question the meaning of everything. At least I do.

Editor’s note – There is deep truth in living “in the shadow of death” yet refusing to see it. Scripture names this plainly: “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Death is not natural in the sense of being God’s original design; it entered through sin. But it is now universal, and the honesty to face it is the beginning of wisdom rather than despair.

The meaning of life

I question the meaning of life, work, commitment, relationships, and yes, money and possessions. They really don’t mean much.

We wake up each day, drag ourselves off to work, face the grind of the day, and return home feeling exhausted. Yet, the day isn’t done. More chores, more responsibilities, and more challenges await us at home. Why do we do this? We work to survive, just so that we can continue working. It’s senseless.

We work to build a nest egg and secure a trouble-free retirement, yet it can disappear in an instant. My brother and sister-in-law thought they could look forward to a worry-free retirement after my nephew bought a home for them to settle in. My brother didn’t have the privilege of enjoying two months in the house. In fact, they were still unpacking and settling in when he died. How is my sister-in-law enjoying the new house without her life partner? Instead of joy and excitement, instead of a peaceful retirement, she lives in a home that only holds sad moments for her. A house doesn’t mean much when compared to a person’s life. I know; she’d much rather have my brother than a new home. But we often don’t have the luxury of choice. Death doesn’t ask permission, and it doesn’t have compassion. It’s sudden, stark, and painful.

Editor’s note – The author’s sense that work and possessions “really don’t mean much” echoes the Preacher of Ecclesiastes, who called such striving “vanity” and “a chasing after the wind.” That ancient book does not end in despair, though; it ends by pointing beyond the grind to the One who gives life its weight. The emptiness she feels is real, and it is also a signpost.

What is normal?

This brings me back to normal. I had a pretty normal life. My husband and I worked, and we thought we had a chance at a new life. Then he suffered a stroke. He lost the use of his right side and his ability to speak. On top of that, he constantly suffered relentless pain. I still worked full-time, but circumstances had turned me into a full-time caregiver too. What’s normal about that?

My life, as I knew it, ended. I struggled. I adjusted, and I moved on. Life took on a new routine, new responsibilities, and more exhaustion. Yet, somehow, I managed, and things settled into some form of normalcy. The days became routine and predictable again.

We were happy. We enjoyed each other’s company, and we faced the medical and financial challenges together. Then 2026 hit. We weren’t prepared at all. Once again our lives were turned upside down. Now, normal means living with a gaping hole in our souls. Somehow, we have to learn to live without people we dearly loved and cared about. We have to adapt to live with the pain. We look at each other and know, sooner or later it will be one of us. We are never prepared. As much as we acknowledge that death, loss, and pain are normal, living with the reality is not “business as usual.” It takes time to process the loss and adjust to living with the pain.

When will my life be normal again? I don’t know. Perhaps it’s more normal than it’s ever been. Perhaps I simply don’t know what normal means. Do you?

A Word from the Editor
The author ends with a question, and we will not pretend to answer it cheaply. But for the believer, “normal” was never meant to be the absence of loss; it is the presence of the God who walks with us through it. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.” The gaping hole she names is real, and so is the One who promises to wipe every tear from our eyes, where death shall be no more. Until that day, we grieve, but not as those who have no hope.