Editor’s note – We’re publishing this piece because so few Christians talk honestly about what it costs to stay married across a real, unbridged difference in faith. The author spent decades inside that tension before her marriage ended, and she doesn’t dress up the outcome to make it tidier than it was. If you’re the believing spouse in a mixed-faith marriage right now, or you’re walking alongside a friend who is, her account is worth serious reflection.
A Confession Before the Story
Writing is healing. Praying is healing. Thank you for listening.
Before we get into my heartbreak story (again), I have a confession to make based on today’s verse of the day (Proverbs 29:25). Yesterday, almost immediately after publishing this story, I went back in and unlisted it because of fear of what others may think about me. This excerpt below is what You Version (The Bible App) had to say about that:
From Fearful to Fearless
Think of a time when you were fearful of others. For some, this might look like fearing harm or violence from a specific person or group. But for many of us, we can get sidelined by a different kind of fear…
Maybe you’re worried that someone won’t like you – your personality, your looks, your opinions, or your work.
Maybe you’re afraid that speaking up for what’s right could cost you – your job, your reputation, your comfort.
Maybe you’ve felt misunderstood, and the narrative has gotten twisted – with a little bit of truth and a whole lot of exaggeration. There’s more to the story, but it’s challenging to explain.
Maybe you’re so busy and preoccupied, making sure everyone around you is happy, that you’re neglecting your own life and calling in the process.
Maybe you say “yes” to any and every opportunity or event – because you don’t want to let anyone down, or get left out.
There are many ways in which we might live in fear of others. But the result is always the same: striving for man’s approval leaves us anxious, exhausted, distracted, and disappointed. When we fail to trust God, it shows.
Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. [Proverbs 29:25]
We cannot trust God if we’re living in a constant state of fear, because fear is the opposite of a faith-fueled trust. God’s approval, after all, is the only approval that matters.
Pleasing God matters more than pleasing people. Being accepted by God matters more than being accepted by people.
The great news is, we don’t have to earn His acceptance! We don’t have to prove that we are worthy of His time, attention, or love. Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection did this for us. We are now considered worthy because He is already worthy! When we belong to Jesus, the Holy Spirit helps us to become more like Him.
Acceptance and inclusion from others will never give us the true safety and security we desire. But God’s acceptance of us is unconditional, and it transforms us from the inside out. We simply need to receive Him – allowing His love to change the way we think and act.
As the knowledge of God’s love increases in our lives, the fear of people decreases.
When we trust in God, we can rest in the assurance that we are secure for eternity. We are loved by our gracious Savior. He alone has the power to change the course of our lives.
Take some time to survey your own heart. Are your thoughts, words, and actions a result of fearing man – or trusting God? Consider a few small ways you can begin to place your trust in God rather than living in fear of what others might think.
Then, I tried to post the excerpt above on a social media post and was repeatedly denied because of exceeding the caption length requirements. Choosing to unlist this article out of fear feels disobedient to my call and reflects a lack of trust in God. Instead I desire my writing and my life to reflect God’s presence and goodness, including the fact that I trust God wholeheartedly with the care of my life.
Editor’s note – Proverbs 29:25 is doing real work in this story, not just decorating it. The fear that made her unlist her own testimony is the same fear that can keep any of us quiet about a hard providence – and the verse cuts both ways: trusting the Lord, not managing what people think of us, is what actually keeps us steady.
Being “equally yoked” means having a partner who matches your core values, pace of life, and ultimate goals, allowing you to pull together in the same direction. The term originates from an agricultural metaphor involving a wooden harness (yoke) used to pair two oxen so they can efficiently plow a field. (AI overview)
This verse (2 Corinthians 6:14) regarding being unequally yoked is often cited regarding marriage, but it applies equally to friendships and business partnerships as well. In a moment of clarity – listening to that still small voice during my prayer time on the drive to work – I felt a profound confirmation. Between praying for the safety of local firefighters and my own community, I realized that being intimately unequally yoked can be more heartbreaking than death itself. I heard a clear call: “Write about it for those who don’t yet know how painful this lifelong choice can be.” This is a prime example of finding purpose through pain or a message in the mess.
When Opposing Ideologies Share a Life
Two common expressions come to mind: “Hindsight is 20/20” and “We don’t know what we don’t know.”
I have no trouble loving neighbors whose beliefs differ from mine. However, sharing a life in every sense – making core life decisions with a spouse whose ideologies are virtually polar opposites – is not conducive to a healthy marriage. It brings to mind the Scriptures regarding the results of serving two masters or the danger of being lukewarm.
Ultimately, you either become like your spouse – by embracing their faith or walking away from your own – or you do what I did: attempt to divide yourself in half. It is as if you are proverbially split by a two-edged sword trying to please both masters. It reminds me of King Solomon’s wisdom when he proposed to cut a child in half to settle a dispute between two feuding women.
Editor’s note – Solomon’s proposal to divide the child is a striking image for a reason: nothing living survives being split in two. That’s the caution worth considering – not a verdict on any particular marriage, but a warning about what happens when a soul tries to serve two masters at once.
The Internal Division That Broke Me
Those closest to me witnessed the anguish this internal division caused for decades. “We don’t know what we don’t know,” but the truth is: I knew. As I walked down that park sidewalk overlooking the ocean, holding my father’s hand on my wedding day, I knew.
What I didn’t realize was just how agonizing an unequally yoked life would be. In the confusion of trying to serve two masters, I failed at both. I nearly lost my identity in Christ and betrayed both my faith and my husband in selfish ways. I was simultaneously the runaway bride and the sheep who left the flock. Thankfully, Jesus left the ninety-nine and pursued me anyway.
Divorce is Grief, But Unequally Yoked Commitment Can Feel Like Life Imprisonment
I have said it before: grieving a divorce is much like grieving a death. While it differs because it involves choice and the possibility of a continued relationship, the term “grief” accurately describes the long-term repercussions suffered by the entire family unit from the break-up. I knew it would be painful, but I never expected this depth of sorrow.
Processing vital eternal-life-related decisions within an unequally yoked marriage feels like a form of P.O.W. torture at times for both spouses involved. When you take the vow “until death do us part” seriously, you view the commitment as literal. Some manage to stick it out and endure until their last breath. Others, like me, walk away before the race is finished, and then carry the guilt and shame of that choice on some level until Christ calls us home or reveals His redemption purpose in our story for God’s glory (whichever comes first).
“Unequally Yoked: The Day My Heart Broke, Almost Beyond Repair” was the day I was ill-advised by a friend who asked me the dangerous question “Are you happy in your marriage?” Again, with 20/20 hindsight, I can now look back at that specific conversation and realize it was the catalyst that prompted me to look for a way out, rather than looking to God for a way through.
Editor’s note – Guilt and shame are common companions after a marriage ends, even one that ended under a weight this heavy. Scripture doesn’t ask us to pretend the grief isn’t real; it asks us to bring it to the God who redeems what we cannot fix ourselves.
A Message in the Mess: The Call to Endure
God does not give us more than we can handle with the aid of His strength. Yet, sometimes we give up on ourselves and His help too soon. Despite my weakness and “quitter’s mentality,” God makes all things beautiful in His time.
Run the race, fight the good fight, and finish strong. Always remember that God is in control!
A Word from the Editor
Every unequally yoked marriage carries its own history, and only God sees all of it clearly enough to judge it rightly. What this story shows plainly is that shame doesn’t get the last word for anyone who belongs to Christ – the Shepherd who left the ninety-nine goes after the one who wandered, and He doesn’t come back empty-handed. If you’re carrying guilt over a marriage that broke under this particular weight, bring it to Him rather than to your accounting; His grace was always going to be the larger story.
Salvation – Eternal Life in Less Than 150 Words
Distributed by – BCWorldview.org
Editor Comment: You show that God's grace reaches into the years we spend torn between two loyalties, and that His pursuit of us never stops even when we run. Naming yourself both the runaway bride and the lost sheep in the same line shows readers exactly how far grace will reach to bring them home as well.
This article appeared on Medium and is reprinted with modifications and by permission.