Every wanderer who turns toward Christ is met by grace.
Editor’s note – We recently ran Joseph’s account of why he could not explain Jesus away, and it moved Bill Gray to send us this companion testimony. What follows is the slow kind of conversion the church does not talk about enough: not a sudden turn from open unbelief but a long walk out of inherited religion, through the flattering promises of self-fulfillment, and finally home to a living relationship with Christ. We run it because the pattern of learning, unlearning, and relearning that Bill describes is common among thoughtful people, and because grace is waiting at the end of it.
Because each male and female is uniquely made by God, each uniquely comes to Jesus “just as I am.” Before making this life-changing decision, many wander and ponder.
I did, in three stages of learning-unlearning-relearning. Understanding my transformational journey can aid yours.
Stage 1: Obeying Religious Church Rules
During my formative years, I learned to obey religious rules taught by my parents and church as the way to please God. I did not learn how to experience a relationship with Jesus.
What resulted were elated feelings of self-righteousness after success—or crushing guilt after every failure—like a see-saw going up and down.
At college, away from home, I questioned practicing such religious legalism. This started an unlearning process:
I observed others in various churches and denominations, who were ‘just going through the motions.’
After 18 months of questioning and deep soul-searching, I decided to completely unlearn what I had learned to believe over 22 years.
I stopped practicing religious legalism to seek something more uplifting.
I attended churches in other denominations but observed non-participation more than thankful worship. So, I left churchgoing altogether.
To fill this void, I minored in the religious studies of the great world religions. I learned that only Christianity:
Provides a Golden Rule [treat others the way you want to be treated].
Emphasizes forgiving others because God forgave you [enabled the North and South to once again become the United States of America].
Has a God [Jesus Christ, the Messiah, Redeemer, Emmanuel] who paid the penalty for all the sins of all mankind, because only a sinless God can do this.
I learned lots more head knowledge—but I didn’t learn to develop a personal relationship with Jesus.
Not yet.
There was more wandering and pondering ahead—because I jumped out of the frying pan of religious legalism that had confined me -into the fire of humanism to do my own thing.
Editor’s note – Bill names something many churchgoers feel but rarely say aloud: rule-keeping produces a see-saw of pride and despair, never peace, because it never touches the heart’s relationship with God. Religion can teach us a great deal about God while leaving us strangers to Him. The Pharisees knew the Scriptures and missed the Messiah standing in front of them. Regarding the uniqueness of the Golden Rule in Christianity, there are other false teachings that offer it in the negative rather than as an expression of proactively loving others (GodQuestions.org).
Stage 2: Seeking Self-fulfillment in a World Turned Upside Down
Like 83% of American adults during the 1960s and 70s, I embraced the false promise of New Rules: Searching for Self-Fulfillment in a World Turned Upside Down (Yankelovich, 1982).
After earning a PhD in Humanistic Psychology, I taught this as a professor and participated in the Human Potential Movement for ten year’s-so humanistic promises would be fulfilled in my life.
To help me, I developed a Being-Behaving-Becoming Model to become self-actualizing by:
Learning inner being qualities (e.g., self-esteem, openness to new experiences).
Learning behaving capabilities (e.g., employ situational ethics; discover new truths).
I learned many Self-focused characteristics that many Humanists try to self-develop.
Self-focused Qualities a Humanist tries to Self-develop
I didn’t pray to God because a self-sufficient person does not need to pray, a self-satisfied person will not pray, and a self-centered person cannot pray to self.
I strove to become self-actualizing—to attain the highest level in Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs, until my students asked questions like these:
“How did Maslow develop his model?”
By doing lots of research in the library (no internet back then), I learned that Maslow developed his Model based on his own unproven theory, without input from colleagues, because he was the unquestioned “Father of Humanistic Psychology.”
“What are the criteria for becoming self-actualizing?”
In Toward a Psychology of Being, Maslow lists 13 Being and only 2 Behaving criteria. Why so few, I pondered?
“How popular is Maslow’s model?”
I learned it appeared in many textbooks and influenced countless students, who didn’t question the validity of this model. Like me, I pondered some more.
“How many people have become self-actualizing throughout human history?”
When I learned only 12 to 15, I knew I never would. So, I walked away and completely unlearned everything as vain and futile.
Such total unlearning was essential so that I could eventually return to God as a prodigal son and relearn how to have a personal relationship with Abba Father and Jesus.
This didn’t occur quickly because I needed intellectual faith so I’d never be enticed by blind faith like that which led me to embrace religious rules and humanistic promises.
I didn’t want to wander and ponder for another 30 years!
When I reflect back on those “loss years,” the only solace I have now is this: all the “good, bad, and ugly” times in my past enable me now to share His story about me.
I call this “God Nods —God-orchestrated events and people that benefit me and fulfill His purpose for me —based on Romans 8:28:
God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. [Romans 8:28]
Editor’s note – The honesty here is bracing. A man trained to pursue self-actualization counts the cost and finds the summit nearly empty – a dozen or so souls in all of human history. Humanism asks us to become our own salvation, and it cannot bear the weight. The exhaustion Bill describes at the top of that ladder is exactly where the prodigal turns back toward home.
Stage 3: Wandering and Pondering to Find Jesus
God Nods led me to wander away from everyone who knew me so no one would question my ponderings to relearn better answers to these self-focused existential questions that had guided my life:
Who am I? What are my inner being qualities?
What do I want to do with my behaving capabilities?
Who do I want to become?
In September of 1976, I flew to Australia to ponder new answers during a year-long sabbatical—but left with none.
God Nods prompted me to realize I’d been asking the wrong questions. I needed answers to these God-centered questions:
What inner being qualities did God design into me?
What behaviors, capabilities, and talents did God give me to employ?
Who does God want me to become to fulfill His purpose and plan for me?
God Nods prompted me to fly to Virginia to get support from my family.
To my surprise, I learned my parents, two sisters and their husbands, and their five sons had become born-again Christians. After interrogating each, I wanted what each manifested.
God Nods then brought Stu Gardner into my life:
He encouraged me to continue being a professor—without embracing humanism. He explained how he employed humanistic techniques as a Christian counselor—without embracing humanism.
He discipled me and urged me to take Christian courses at nearby Regent College.
He invited me to attend his church (Marineview Chapel), where I observed everyone worshiping Jesus with joy-filled hearts. I wanted to learn more about this because I had NOT witnessed this before, anywhere.
My Christian students started inviting me to come to Jesus “just as I am.” Each time, I replied like most self-centered individuals: “Will I have to give up my lifestyle?” [I was Bachelor of the Month in Nov 1970, with a lifestyle that even I envied at that time.]
Bachelor of the Month (Tanya and I) in 1970
My students persisted and gave me books that contrasted different worldviews.
I learned Biblical theism provides the best answers to life’s big questions about the origin of everything, life’s meaning and purpose, right versus wrong, and how to live a satisfying life.
God Nods brought Ralph and Donna into my life—to invite me to join their cell group, even though I said, “I’m not a Christian.” Over 18 months, every member answered my questions or helped me find answers by studying the Bible.
I learned the Holy Bible is truly the Word of God. Written down by 40 authors over 1500 years, inspired by the Holy Spirit, so it describes one consistent message from beginning to end.
I learned God, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit enjoyed such love and fellowship within their Holy Trinity that they created human beings in their image to participate in this.
Because humans rebelled (throughout the Old Testament), God the Father sent His Son (Jesus) to restore fellowship with those humans who wanted this.
From studying the Holy Bible, I learned how Jesus fulfilled 300 Old Testament prophecies, such as:
Being born in Bethlehem as fully-God-and-fully-human;
Living as ‘God with us’ (Emmanuel) to role model how to live;
Teaching the written Word of God with unmatched authority (as the incarnate, living Word of God);
Performing many signs to demonstrate He is God (cast out demons, healed the sick and blind, cured leprosy, raised the dead);
Being crucified and dying to pay the penalty for human sins (only the sinless Son could reconcile sinful humans with the sinless Father);
Rising from death to life (to conquer death);
Ascending back into Heaven;
Sending the Holy Spirit to dwell inside Jesus’ followers (to comfort and guide them).
I learned it is mathematically impossible for one person to fulfill 300 prophecies—unless God orchestrated all of this over 1500 years!
After eighteen months of wandering and pondering, this ceased one Sunday morning at Marineview Chapel. I cannot recall the exact date in early 1979, but I still exactly recall singing “For Those Tears I Died” and what flashed through my mind:
I envisioned Jesus “dying just for me” to pay the penalty for my sins “just as I am.”
I envisioned Jesus dying on the cross, asking His Father to “forgive them, for they know not what they do,” and the Roman soldier looking up and saying, “Truly this man was the Son of God.”
While singing each stanza, my mind flashed back to envision everyone I’d hurt.
Humbly, I asked God’s forgiveness and sensed His peace come over me, no longer struggling, no longer resisting.
I knew Jesus had accepted me “just as I am.”
On May 18, 1980, Stu baptized me as Mount Saint Helens was erupting about 220 miles away. Marineview Chapel began to shake as I was giving my public profession of faith in Jesus. Below is what was tape-recorded:
I am very thankful that God never did leave me. The song we just sang has special meaning for me. During my life I chose to walk alone, and during that time I hurt a lot of people, and I was hurt. I cried many tears in darkness. I guess it was God’s purpose for me to do that. I don’t always understand how He works in people’s lives. I do know He has worked in my life. I know my walk alone is over, and I’ll move from darkness into light. I ask His forgiveness. I feel strange at my age becoming a child of God and a new born-again Christian. I’ve struggled with a lot of things to be here, and I know now I won’t struggle alone anymore. I just praise His name, and I thank all of you who’ve had a part in this. I’m so happy I could cry.
Many in the congregation yelled out, “You are crying!” because they had supported me during my long struggle with God to become His child. Many of them were also crying because they had struggled in their own way.
After this, a most unexpected God Nod occurred: I got promoted. Here’s how.
My Christian students asked me to give my testimony during a lunch period. An atheist student sat in, and then reported me for proselytizing. When called before a faculty committee, the Holy Spirit gave me the right words to say.
I gave my testimony with peace that surpassed my understanding, never saying anything disparaging about my accuser. Several weeks later, this same faculty committee recommended me for promotion!
God Nods leading to marriage (44 years and counting).
God Nods that enabled me to disciple my Christian students and others (by contrasting Being-Behaving-Becoming aspects of Bible-based theism versus humanism, New Age, and postmodernism).
God Nods set me free from enslavement to worldly matters that don’t truly matter [to enjoy present salvation].
God Nods enabled me to understand free gifts that every newborn believer receives but few understand [displayed on my Cross Model].
A Word from the Editor Bill’s story is finally not about Bill but about a Father who never let go of a son who had walked away. He left the frying pan for the fire and the fire for a far country, and grace met him at every turn. If you are still wandering and pondering, take heart: the same Jesus who accepted Bill just as I am is not put off by your questions or your years. He is patient with seekers. Come home.
Editor Comment: The learning, unlearning, relearning frame is what makes this land — it lets the reader follow a long journey without flattening it, and the moment at Marineview when a hymn finally did what years of argument could not is quietly powerful. Naming the whole thing "God Nods" is a real gift to anyone still in the wandering stage.
