Make Disciples: Why the Church Quits After the Beginning

Editor’s note – This author noticed something most of us miss: the church throws itself wholeheartedly into weddings and altar calls, then quietly walks away right when the real work starts. She traces the same pattern in two places – marriage and discipleship – where the culture, and too often the church, celebrates the beginning and abandons the middle. It is worth reading slowly, because the fix she calls for is not a program. It is people showing up for each other long after the excitement fades.

The Ending that follows “I Do”

“I now pronounce you husband and wife!”

Our minister smiled as he said these familiar words the day my husband and I excitedly flew down the aisle. You’ve probably heard the same or similar at other weddings.

But there’s something I’ve only heard at a few weddings (mine being one): a genuine charge addressed to the audience, compelling them to mentor, surround, encourage, and pray over the newly married couple, even after the newness of marriage has faded and the wedding has long been forgotten.

We didn’t ask our preacher to do this — it’s something he does at every wedding he officiates, and I loved it.

The witnesses at our wedding were encouraged to participate in our fledgling marriage by helping us nurture it after we said our vows. Seasoned couples were called to bring us alongside and show us what it looks like to honor God and each other in marriage.

I thought it was a beautiful way to involve those attending and remind us all of the weight behind such a happy and exciting day. It was a reminder that marriage is not simply the end of singleness, but rather the birth of a completely new family.

Fast-forwarding to today, I can see where this charge has faded. As a matter of fact, when we came back from our honeymoon, it seemed as if everything had returned to business as usual, as if our lives hadn’t just been radically changed and would still take time to get used to.

We went from being poured into, counseled, prayed over, and mentored to being just another married couple, with an expectation that we should just know how to behave and treat each other. Also, I don’t believe this experience was unique to us.

I don’t mention this to seem negative towards those who attended our wedding. Rather, it was more of an eye-opener because I realized I’ve done the same thing with friends and family I’ve seen get married over the years. Celebrate and move on. They’re good now. They’ve arrived at their destination: married.

Honestly, it’s how our society is wired. We go big for all the pre-wedding celebrations (think: engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelor/bachelorette weekends), but once the reception is over, it all comes to a screeching halt.

Gone is the advice, prayer covering (at least corporately), and mentoring.

In our culture, once the reception is over, we say, “Adios! We’ll check back in when you hit your 50th anniversary and ask you how you did it.” We’re all so busy in our own lives that we forget we’re part of a community who needs us. I’m just as guilty of this as anyone.

Why do we do this?

Editor’s note – That question deserves more than a shrug. Scripture assumes older believers will train younger ones in marriage the same way Titus 2 assumes it for faith – not as an event, but as an ongoing relationship. When we skip that step, we are not being modern; we are just leaving people to figure out something sacred on their own.

A Different Kind of “I Do”

Let’s shift gears and talk about another huge life-change with an abrupt ending after “I do,” using a scenario we’ve all seen play out before:

John is 28, single, and works hard.

He goes to church with his grandma when he isn’t working so she’ll quit nagging him so much, but none of his coworkers would necessarily consider him a Christian.

John isn’t a bad person by the world’s standards, and he’s mostly grown up in church, so he figures he’ll go to Heaven one day if there is one.

One day, John is out of town on a business trip and finds himself bored between meetings. His grandma is always sending him Bible verses, so he figures he’ll open the app and read the verse she sent today instead of just liking her text message and moving on.

Today’s verse is about one of the miracles Jesus performed. He’d heard the story before, but never read about it. It’s interesting, so he keeps reading.

By the end of the trip, he’d read the four gospels in their entirety and knew he needed Jesus to save him. He had no idea what came next, but he knew he wanted to follow Christ.

John calls his grandma, and they cry together; he gets baptized, and his local church celebrates their new brother in Christ.

John attends church regularly for a while, even joining in on some of the service committees. He’s on fire, and decides to read his whole Bible but gets bogged down in Leviticus because it’s too boring. He tries to pick back up in Numbers and gets even more confused so he puts it down for a while.

In Sunday School, the people are friendly, but they’re going through a book he has a hard time following. Everyone else seems to know what’s going on, though, so he starts skipping the class and only attends the worship service.

Then, six months later, work gets really busy, and he misses a couple weeks. Six months after that, John has yet to return, and people assume he’s either attending somewhere else or wasn’t genuine to begin with.

That is, if they notice his departure at all.

Editor’s note – John’s drift is not dramatic. No crisis, no rejection of Christ – just Leviticus, a confusing Sunday School series, and a busy season at work with no one checking in. That is how most people actually leave: not with a slammed door, but with silence nobody answered.

Most of us who have either grown up in Christian circles or have been believers for some time can quote Matthew 28:19. The Great Commission is one of the foundational verses of our faith, second to those about our salvation.

This is where Jesus is giving His disciples their, and our, assignment to carry out after He ascends to Heaven to prepare it for us. It’s quoted at church summer camps, vacation Bible schools, and conferences. It’s on stickers, church bulletins, and signs.

Some of us do a great job of spreading the gospel. The easy part is imparting information about Jesus to those around us, or maybe I’ll say simple, rather, since it can be quite hard to do sometimes but a relatively short task as far as the time it takes to do.

Making disciples, however, is not simple. That’s a lifestyle commitment and is much more involved than only telling someone about Jesus. This is the forgotten and overlooked part of the Great Commission.

Instead, many have become creatures of habit, sitting in pews each Sunday, doing our Bible studies and being charitable, but not seeking out those younger in the faith to mentor and do life with. In doing so, we’ve left out a major part of one of the most important commands our King gave us:

Feed His sheep.

Jesus may have said those words to Peter, but they apply to all Christians. Discipleship, by nature, is us feeding and nurturing Jesus’s flock until He returns.

Editor’s note – The distinction here matters: telling someone about Jesus and walking with them for years afterward are not the same calling, though we often treat them as interchangeable. The Great Commission does not end at the altar call any more than a wedding vow ends the work of a marriage.

It’s also Biblical. In Titus 2, we see Paul instructing Titus to teach the older men and women so that they could, in turn, mentor those younger than them in the Christian life (including things such as marriage and parenting). Ideally, this cycle would continue as new generations of believers grew up in the faith.

That, in my opinion, is where many of us in the global Church get it wrong.

Now, as a disclaimer: I believe there are many local churches that both understand and execute this well. Some congregations have programs and practices designed to minister to these specific needs, with active involvement from their local body.

However, many do not. And that’s where we need to do better.

For those who are seasoned in the faith, I encourage you (and me) to ask these questions:

• Who would I consider my mentor in the faith – a person I go to for Biblical advice, who I know is actively walking with and seeking the Lord in their daily life?
• Who am I mentoring?
• Is there anyone in my local congregation who has just recently become a believer that I can encourage or get to know better?
• What are some areas that the Lord has grown me in that I could help others with (marriage, parenting, etc.)?

From there, we all need to prayerfully consider the ways we can encourage our brothers and sisters in the faith. Whether that’s teaching, hosting a Bible study group in our home, getting to know a new believer, or checking in regularly with other church members, there are many ways to make disciples.

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the god and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. [Romans 15:5]

A Word from the Editor
Marriage and discipleship fail for the same reason: we mistake a beginning for an ending. Paul told Titus that older believers were to teach the younger, not once, but as a way of life, so that the faith would keep moving through the generations (Titus 2:1-8). That only works if someone stays close enough to notice when a person – or a marriage – starts to drift. Romans 15:5 asks God for the endurance and unity to keep doing this for each other, past the wedding, past the baptism, for as long as it takes.

Editor Comment: You're right that the Great Commission is bigger than a single gospel conversation, and Titus 2 makes clear that God intends every believer to be both mentored and mentoring across a lifetime. You put your own wedding charge next to John's quiet drift away from church, and that pairing shows readers how the same neglect shows up in both marriage and discipleship.

This article appeared on Medium and is reprinted with modifications and by permission.