When someone wrongs us, we want revenge. We don’t want them to get away with whatever they have done. The old line “get even” has some teeth to it.

The saying “forgive and forget” also muddles what it truly means to forgive someone.

Forgiveness goes against our nature, perhaps. You might think forgiving is letting them get away with whatever they did. 

Here is the secret. The Bible and mental health professionals agree that forgiveness is for the one forgiving. Forgiveness is more about what you do internally than anything else. Just think of this: Has your anger at someone for harming you had any effect on them at all? The truth is, it doesn’t hurt them, but it does hurt you.

Think about this: What does your anger, hate, and resentment actually do to the person? You are not punishing them by being mad at them, you are punishing yourself.

To forgive is what God wants us to do, and it’s good for our mental health. When you forgive, you benefit more than the person you forgive does.

Forgiveness is letting go of anger, the resentment, the need for vengeance, or to get even. It’s letting go of your need to punish them. It is not letting them get away with it. It is deciding that you will not punish them yourself.

If someone commits a crime against you, they will still go to jail if convicted. You may also choose not to associate with them anymore. Forgiving them sets you free, but does not set them free from the natural consequences.

The Bible says that we must forgive others so that we can be forgiven. (Matthew 6:14–15). In Matthew 18, Jesus tells Peter to forgive seven times seventy. (Some modern translations say seven plus 70, but the point is that it is a huge number.) Forgiveness is for our benefit. If you are counting the times someone has sinned, you have not really forgiven them, and that is why Jesus said seven times seventy.

Romans 12:19 says to leave judgment to God: “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.” Paul encourages us to forgive and leave the results to God.

Mental Health and Forgiveness

From a mental health perspective, forgiveness is more about you than the person you forgive. It is about what is happening in your mind and emotions rather than anything else. It is setting yourself free from whatever that person did.

The hurt continues when you remain angry and hold a grudge. Forgiveness takes control of the situation. It puts your mental health back in your hands.

There are several benefits to forgiving.

Some things are so traumatic that you may not be able to do it on your own. Some trauma needs therapy, but here, we are talking about things you can control.

Another point is that it does not matter if the person asks to be forgiven. Forgiveness is something you do in your heart for yourself. The other person is not relevant. When you hold on to anger and resentment, you allow them to continue hurting you. When you let go of that, they have no power over you.

 Reconciliation

Forgiving someone means you let go of the pain. It is not about reconciling with the person. Even the Bible does not say you must reconcile. If you steal from me, I will forgive you, but I will also choose not to put myself in that situation again by hanging out with you. Forgiveness does not mean you have to trust them again.

Reconciliation involves restoring the relationship, and that is not always possible. We are never called to be doormats or to put up with abuse. In those situations, reconciliation would probably not be possible. 

Forgiveness does not involve the other person, but reconciliation does. If you are to restore a relationship, both parties have to be involved. 

Forgiveness is internal, a choice you make about your emotional state. Reconciliation is a relational act, involving you and the other person.

Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” It does not always depend on you. It is not always possible. Refusing to reconcile with someone who has sinned against you is not at all the same thing as forgiving — which is letting go of the anger.

Conclusion

Forgiving others is more a matter of your mental health than anything. It is not letting them get away with it, it is not removing the consequences. It is not about reconciling with them, either. It does not matter what they do, whether they repent or not. It is about taking care of your own mental health and setting you free from emotional bondage.