Led by the Spirit: How I Found Joy in My Deepest Pain

With a Subtitle: A personal testimony of discovering the spirit-led life amid loss and grief.

A brief Excerpt: After years of grinding to follow the rules, a worship song stopped me cold and I met my spirit—the part of me that worships and finds joy in God even through devastating loss.

The Author is: Rina Schultz

Living Freely, Led by God’s Spirit

My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God’s Spirit. Then you won’t feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are contrary to each other, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don’t you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence (Galatians 5:16-18)?

Paul admonished us to live according to the spirit and not according to the flesh. As a young Christian, this used to be one of the biggest mysteries to me. I didn’t know how to be in touch with my spirit, let alone be led by it.

The Daily Grind of Trying to Follow the Rules

I tried so hard to follow all the rules. Instead of building a relationship with God, being a Christian became a daily grind. There was no joy in constantly watching my every step.

Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ending up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn’t pleased at being ignored (Romans 8:5-8).

The Worship Song That Stopped Me Cold

One day, after I had failed for the umpteenth time, I felt extremely negative and rebellious. Being a Christian seemed like something impossible. I tried so hard to be good, to earn enough points to get into heaven, and I kept failing. Then, I caught myself humming a worship song that was playing somewhere inside me, in the midst of my chaotic mind with thoughts of giving up on the whole thing and being overwhelmed by a plethora of emotions at war with each other.

It stopped me cold. Where was that song? It wasn’t in my mind as this part of me was in complete chaos, chasing after thoughts that ran through my mind like wild horses let loose on an open plain. It wasn’t my emotions. I felt confused as my emotions elbowed each other out of the way every few seconds in a battle for prominence. I realized that it must have been in my heart, the heart the Bible talks about, not the physical one that pumps blood through my body.

Observing Myself From the Outside

Then another strange awareness drifted into my mind. My focus had shifted to the song. The wild horses had stopped running. I became aware of myself observing myself as if I was a different entity. It felt almost like an out-of-body experience, except that I was still firmly attached to my body. How could I look at myself, my thoughts, and my emotions without thinking about doing it? Which part of me was actively observing me?

Discovering the Spirit Part of My Being

If I listen to the experts, my soul is made up of mind, will, and emotions. Moments ago, until this awareness crept in, that part of me was in a shambles. It wasn’t my physical body either. I came to the conclusion that it was my spirit. For the first time in my life I became acutely aware of the spirit part of my being. It was so easy to become aware and be in touch with this part of me. My struggle ended. For the first time I met me. This was me not judging or failing. This was me simply observing and worshiping in the midst of failure. It fascinated me.

Joy in the Midst of Loss and Pain

Since this awareness, it has become incredibly easy to tap into my spirit. It was the part of me that counted my blessings while my mind spewed out multiple reasons for complaints. It was the part of me that sang worship songs while I grumbled in my mind. It was the part of me that could experience joy while my emotions reeled from loss, pain, and sorrow. When my parents, brother, and daughter died, and when my husband suffered a stroke, I could still be joyful in my heart. Yes, the struggle and the pain are real. The difficulties of life are overwhelming, but I can still praise, worship, and rejoice. I’m so grateful for discovering this part of me. I realized that I am truly created in God’s image. I, too, am a triune being: spirit, soul, and body (1 Thessalonians 5:23). My spirit often carried me through situations in which my soul and my body failed me. My spirit is the part of me in relationship with God, listening, loving, and worshiping. It’s the part of me that listens to the small quiet voice of God while the world and all its troubles shout in my ears (1 Corinthians 2:14-16).

The Breath of God That Gives Life

When God created man, He breathed into him, and he became a living being. Since then man has lived because of God’s breath in his lungs. This wasn’t the last time God breathed over us. Jesus did the same with His disciples when He commanded them to receive His Spirit.

I thank God for breathing His breath into me. God breathed into me and gave me life. Because of Jesus, I have eternal life. My joy is in Him. I can celebrate Him in my heart regardless of the struggles I face in this world. Just like Paul, I too discovered that God’s grace is sufficient for me.