With a Subtitle: How legalism, twisted forgiveness, and avoidance re-victimize hurting women
A brief Excerpt: Many wounded women hide their pain in church, met with calls to just forgive instead of seeking justice. But Jesus never avoided the broken. He meets them at the well, restores their dignity, and bids them come and be free.
The Wounded Women Hiding in Our Churches
The more I walk around church circles, the more I see many wounded women showing up, functioning — all the while beautifully hiding the wounds they carry.
And I’ve asked myself, why is this?
My conclusion: most churches are not equipped to handle such unconventional matters.
“It is well” has become the lingo to cover up what we do not know how to handle, instead of walking in the humility to seek wisdom from the One who knows.
As a result, many traumatized women have not only been victimized by their abusers but also by the church.
Traumatized women are being gaslighted every day by the very people who are supposed to protect them.
Where Is Your Righteous Anger?
The Bible teaches us to seek justice for the weak among us, doesn’t it?
“Learn to do good; seek justice, rebuke the oppressor; defend the fatherless, plead for the widow.” — Isaiah 1:17
Instead, when a victim reports her abuser, the first thing she is often met with is:
“You need to forgive.”
Forgiveness has now become a tool Satan is using in this version of the church he is quietly building.
And that is legalism — stripped of love for the hurting.
A version of Christianity where perfection becomes the standard.
Where people are kept down by the things they are unable to do.
Where image matters more than healing.
Where behavior modification replaces transformation.
When “Don’t Say That” Replaces Empathy
I remember exactly how what I’m describing showed up in my own life.
I was constantly being beaten by my first husband until I could endure no more.
So, I told my pastor’s wife, pouring out my pain and the sincerity of how I felt.
I said:
“I don’t love him anymore.”
Her response?
“Don’t say that.”
Delivered with the tone of someone correcting an un-Christian statement, rather than acknowledging my pain.
Where is the empathy in that?
Where is the empathy? What does Jesus call us to when He tells us to mourn with those who mourn?
This is re-victimization.
It may not have been done intentionally, but a traumatized woman does not always see the difference.
She is seeking safety.
Someone to reassure her she is not crazy.
Someone to show her that God cares about her pain.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18
The Cost of Willful Ignorance
This willful ignorance has led many church leaders to derail many women Jesus paid for with His blood.
Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. — Acts 20:28
Thank God for His mercies.
Instead of giving up on God completely after His church could not — or chose not to — stand with me because my case was too embarrassing, I decided to bypass church leaders and come to God directly.
For the first time in my sin-ridden life, I called out to Jesus sincerely.
And He answered.
He saved me spiritually and physically.
He made a way for me to flee the man I called husband — a man who was determined to end my life.
There are still many who think I am living in sin.
They do not believe I should have left.
Some believe I should have prayed him into salvation.
Others believe I should have remained unmarried after leaving.
All I can say is this:
God permitted it.
And my scriptural backing is this:
“But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.” — 1 Corinthians 7:15
He may not have physically left the marriage, but he left emotionally.
The one meant to protect became the one who harmed me.
And the same thing is happening to women in church.
Re-victimization looks different for every one of them.
Are We Automatic Rejects?
Because our stories do not align with tidy Christian theology, does that automatically make us rejects?
Doesn’t the blood of Jesus take unconventional matters into account?
The trouble is not that there are no solutions with God.
The trouble is that the church has chosen a less challenging path.
One that is convenient.
One that is comfortable.
One that cares more about what people think than about the souls Jesus paid for with His blood.
Domestic abuse, sexual abuse, and child trafficking are hard subjects — yet very real ones.
Rather than avoidance, it is time we take a stand and call evil evil.
It is called righteous judgment.
What Is Righteous Judgment?
Righteous judgment, according to the Bible, is the act of discerning and responding to situations according to God’s truth, justice, and righteousness — not human preference, appearance, or condemnation.
It is not self-righteousness.
It is not condemnation.
And it is not turning a blind eye to evil in the name of “love.”
Jesus Himself said:
“Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.” — John 7:24
Righteous judgment calls evil evil, protects the vulnerable, confronts sin, and seeks justice while remaining rooted in truth, wisdom, and love.
Twisting Forgiveness
The problem is that, like many things, forgiveness has been corrupted and twisted to further ensnare victims.
Yes, forgiveness is a core issue in the Christian faith — but not in the manner it is largely presented.
Forgiveness is not always reconciliation.
Sometimes forgiveness looks like turning everything over to God.
Completely letting go and allowing God to deal with the situation with all sincerity of heart.
Sometimes forgiveness is not just a prayer for mercy.
Sometimes it is a cry for justice.
A victim can ask God for justice for what happened to them even after they have forgiven.
But many victims have been made to feel like asking God for justice somehow makes them bitter, unforgiving, or less Christian. As though silence is holiness. As though enduring injustice quietly is proof of spiritual maturity. As though God Himself is uninterested in avenging what was done to them.
But where did we get that theology from?
The God of the Bible is not indifferent to injustice. He is not unmoved by oppression. He is not asking victims to pretend evil did not happen in order to appear “spiritual.”
Scripture repeatedly shows us a God who sees, who hears, and who acts on behalf of the oppressed.
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’” — Romans 12:19
Wanting justice does not make someone a bad Christian.
Wanting vengeance in your own hands and entrusting justice to God are not the same thing. In fact, surrendering justice to God is often what forgiveness looks like. It is saying, “Lord, I release this into Your hands because You judge rightly, You see fully, and You are more just than I could ever be.”
Sometimes forgiveness is not pretending the wound did not happen.
Sometimes it is trusting that God cares enough to respond to it.
“He executes justice for the oppressed and gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets the prisoners free.” — Psalm 146:7
When Forgiveness Requires Divine Intervention
I think one of the major disservices we do to Christians navigating trauma is that we reduce forgiveness to willpower and choice.
We make it about their ability to forgive.
We make it about them, depending on themselves to let go.
When in reality, many are trapped in unforgiveness, not because they choose bitterness but because of the depth of pain they endured.
And I am convinced that not all forgiveness functions by choice.
In some cases, it requires divine intervention.
It takes God mending a heart that has endured pain beyond human comprehension before forgiveness can truly flow.
Walking alongside someone who needs divine intervention to forgive is by no means an easy road.
And because of how hard and draining this level of healing and restoration can be, many choose the easy road.
And that easy road is avoidance.
Or worse — a one-size-fits-all approach.
Instead of seeking God for individual solutions for people and persevering alongside them until divine help comes.
Carry one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” — Galatians 6:2
This is the heart of Christianity.
This is what true shepherding should look like according to Jesus.
Two Women Jesus Never Avoided
These things are not so complicated if we choose to walk in love — the kind God tells us to.
Is it easy?
Of course not.
God never called us to ease.
That is why patience and endurance are central to the Christian faith.
Let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” — Galatians 6:9
Jesus did not leave these things ambiguous.
He gave us clear examples.
One was the adulterous woman — condemned to death by a legalistic church that cared more about punishment than restoration.
Yet Jesus responded with truth and mercy.
Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” — John 8:7
The second was the Samaritan woman.
In her mess, Jesus made time for her.
He met her where she was.
And He rescued her in a way that was custom-made for her story.
Despite her brokenness, shame, and history, Jesus did not reject her.
He revealed Himself to her.
He restored dignity to her.
And then He entrusted her with ministry.
In the same way, Jesus is calling us to begin paying attention to the women in our midst.
The wounded.
The broken.
The women are still showing up while quietly hiding behind guilt, hurt, trauma, and shame — trying to hold it all together.
We ought to have a heart to minister to broken women.
Not just in words.
But in action.
The Testimony That Changed Everything
I heard a testimony that changed everything for me.
This woman had been abused from the time she was born until she was 30 years old.
She was raped, tortured, and trafficked.
To make a very long story short, when she was finally delivered, she asked God why it took Him so long — thirty years — to rescue her.
His response?
“I sent people, and no one said yes.”
And even when some did, they never followed through.
That shook me.
Because if we are honest, many of us love the idea of ministry more than the inconvenience of it.
We love compassion from a distance.
We love generosity from afar.
We love ministry when it fits comfortably within our schedules and costs us very little.
But true ministry costs something.
Jesus never hid that from us.
“Whoever wants to be My disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow Me.” — Luke 9:23
And she said something else that stayed with me.
How she ultimately got delivered was that her handlers sent her into a church to cause discord.
Because that is what many of these trafficking rings ultimately are — servants of Satan doing his bidding.
The reason they were confident enough to send her into church was that they believed the church lacked the willingness to go into the trenches with people.
That we are too concerned with comfort.
Too unwilling to be inconvenienced.
Too uncomfortable with messy stories.
If we are honest, they are more right than we would like to admit.
Yes, we will give from afar.
We will love from afar.
But when charity threatens our comfort, we quietly excuse ourselves.
How sad!
He Is at the Well
While the church is busy debating whether a divorced woman is acceptable to Jesus, Jesus is already at the well — calling every Samaritan woman, every woman like me, to come and be healed.
And He doesn’t stop there. He then commissions her with a mandate to evangelize communities, cities, and even nations.
The woman at the well was not dismissed because of her history.
She was seen.
She was met in her pain.
She was transformed.
And then she became a messenger.
That is the Jesus I know.
The One who sees unconventional stories.
The One who does not flinch at brokenness.
The One who enters the mess instead of avoiding it.
If you are a woman who has known trauma, Jesus is calling you to come.
You don’t have to hide your brokenness.
You don’t have to pretend that all is well just to fit into “Christianity.”
The church is for people like us — the misfits, the ones broken by life.
Do not allow this version of Christianity we have today to hinder you from meeting your Savior.
He is at the well.
He is waiting for you.
He bids you to come.
And guess what?
He is there just for you.
With one outcome in mind:
To set you free.
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” — John 8:36
The question is:
Will you go to Him?
Salvation – Eternal Life in Less Than 150 Words
Distributed by – BCWorldview.org
This article appeared on Medium and is reprinted with modifications and by permission.