Parents!

We’ve all got ’em. Or had them at one point. Certainly, there’s no way of getting here without them.

Some of us were blessed to have wonderful parents who provided guidance, support, and a sense of belonging. Parents who encouraged us and consistently loved us in ways we could understand.

Others among us were not so fortunate.

The data shows that one in three children under the age of 18 deal with at least one adverse childhood experience (ACE). These ACEs include abuse, witnessing violence, a family member who attempts or commits suicide, a family member who is incarcerated, or divorced parents, among others.

Even children growing up in two parent households (the better situation for children) are not immune to childhood wounds.

Perhaps we had parents who only emphasized rules and discipline to the exclusion of grace. Perhaps we had parents who neglected to set boundaries or provide structure. Maybe we had parents who were distant. Maybe we had parents who micromanaged and never encouraged independence.

This matters for all sorts of reasons, but perhaps the most important is that our relationship with our parents tends to influence how we view God.

God as Our Parent

We all know that the God of the universe describes Himself as a Father.

It is how Jesus taught His disciples to pray, after all. You know the one: “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name…”

And just as our earthly fathers were involved in our coming to this earth, none of us would be here if not for our Heavenly Father. Jeremiah 1:5 says He’s a Father who knew us before we were ever formed inside our mother’s womb.

Sometimes He’s a protector. A caretaker. Sometimes He’s enacting discipline, as Hebrews 12:6 makes clear.

For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. [Hebrews 12:6]

Truly, God is our Father. And did you know that God also uses language to liken Himself to a protective mother? 

Like in Isaiah 49:15:

15 “Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. [Isaiah 49:15]

And in Isaiah 66:13.

13 As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem. [Isaiah 66:13]

The book of Hosea contains a very personal image of the Lord God teaching His people to walk, just as a parent guides a toddler into his or her first steps.

3 Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up by their arms, but they did not know that I healed them. [Hosea 11:3]

God is a Perfect Parent

The God of the Bible is sometimes seen enacting discipline. Sometimes displaying mercy and compassion.

But in all things, He is loving towards His people (1 John 4:16). He shows His children the parental characteristics that are needed for a given time and place.

And He reveals the fullness of His character in the person of Jesus Christ. Because as Jesus tells His disciples in John 14:9, “Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father.”

The depths of the compassion and mercy of Jesus are beyond our human comprehension.

It’s the kind of love that laments over the fate of the people who are about to arrest, torture, and murder Him.

He describes himself as a mother hen who would have longed to gather rebellious children of Israel together “as a hen gathers her brood under her wings” if only they were willing. But instead of being shepherded, they are willing only to shout “crucify him!” before Pontius Pilate a short time later.

Talk about a parent’s perfect love.

But as we’ve already seen, we don’t all get perfect parents. In a way, none of us do. And that colors our view of God.

The Impact of Parenting

Parents tend to be the most significant figures in the life of a child. Their actions shape a child’s understanding of trust, authority, and love.

As we grow and develop our own relationship with God (or not), we can unconsciously map our parental models onto God.

This can either be a helpful gift or…not.

For those with kind and forgiving parents, it can be easier to view God in this light.

If the parental model is one of unfailing and selfless love, what a blessing to mentally project that onto the character of God.

Although, if there were no consequences for disobedience, we might develop the false view that somehow God isn’t really bothered by sin.

If your parents were only harsh and punitive, on the other hand, you may tend to view God in the same light.

If your parents were distant or not in the picture at all, it might be hard to believe that God isn’t also this way.

If you experienced parental love in a conditional manner, it’s natural to believe that God’s love works that way too, despite how many times you might read Bible verses that say He loved us before we ever even acknowledged Him (Romans 5:8).

The reality is that God can relate to us in different ways in different seasons of life.

He can sometimes challenge us and chastise us. He can lead us into times of suffering that appear to make no sense at all, until after He leads us through it. He can even seem to be distant and disconnected to our senses at times.

Yet He is perfect and unchanging. He is perfectly gracious and perfectly righteous at once.

Sometimes we may experience more grace and sometimes we may experience the pain that comes from offending His righteousness. But regardless of what we may feel, He is always good and loving. He is always working things for the good of those who love him. That’s the reality His children need to keep in mind.

For those who didn’t have perfect parents (all of us), understanding the idea of attachment theory can help us identify where we might be especially prone to believing lies about the character of God.

Attachment Styles and (eventually) Hope

A simplified view of attachment theory suggests that we all had one of three types of attachment to our parents.

• When parents are consistently responsive to childhood needs and provide a reliable sense of security, a child tends to develop a secure attachment style. These children learn that they can depend on their parents and it can be easier to develop relationships based on trust throughout life. Such people are equally comfortable with emotional intimacy and with independence. This is a solid foundation from which to build a healthy self image and to properly view others and God.
• When parents are distant, dismissive, or emotionally or physically unavailable, children may develop an avoidant attachment style. Those with avoidant attachment tend to have difficulty feeling close in relationships and experience discomfort with emotions. There is typically a high need for independence. Since they generally are not in touch with their own emotions, they can be dismissive of others who do display emotional needs.
• When parents are sometimes responsive to childhood needs and sometimes unresponsive, it can lead to an anxious attachment style. Such children are never quite sure if they can rely on the parental figure for support or not. In adult relationships, those with an anxious attachment style may have a strong desire for emotional connection combined with a fear of rejection and abandonment. Such individuals may constantly be looking for validation in relationships.

What differences!

It is sad reality in the fallen world we live in that our initial impressions of God can be so skewed. Without a securely attached relationship to our human parents, we may believe God is distant and cold or unreliable and endlessly judging us.

Yet, there is also great hope.

Because we can independently develop a secure attachment to our one true and perfect Parent. And this can be the most powerful relationship in our lives that reshapes everything.

For those who come to know and love and follow Jesus, that secure foundation can be the bedrock to move out into the rest of our relationships in the world.

It’s this Jesus who announced His earthly ministry by publicly proclaiming that He was the fulfillment of Isaiah’s Messianic prophecy:

18 “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
 because he has anointed me
 to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
 and recovering of sight to the blind,
 to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
19 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” [Luke 4: 18–19]

So if you’ve ever felt captive to a difficult parental relationship, or if you ever suspected God was distant or harsh or just waiting for you to fail, I invite you (and me!) to once again reread these words of our Savior and Lord.

So we can remind ourselves again and again that this is the great God we serve. The God who loves His children with a fierce and unending love.